Cascades Casino Langley Hotel - Langley BC Canada

Accessing all the Vancouver Bridges

Update notes: finished adding all the bridges, added a link to photos. I will try to format everything to be a bit nicer and/or make a copy at another location that allows for easienicer formatting.
As requested by raleighspritely in the other bridges thread, this post is intended to help generally newer riders figure out specifically how to get onto each bridge in each direction, where all most of the exit options go and any other weirdnesses each bridge may have.
I'll assume you know roughly where you are and roughly how to get to each bridge. Some are easy to find the entrances for (Burrard), some are weird (Cambie, southbound) and some have entrances a long way from where the cars access (Golden Ears) so if they're super weird I'll try and give you more specifics.
Photos from the day showing most of the bridges: (missing: 2nd Narrows, KSB, Canada Line, Arthur Liang)
And now to talking about crossing bridges!
Granville - follow the instructions for Burrard or Cambie
If you insist on using the GSB (don't) SB access is easiest via Howe St and NB access at 5th & Granville
Easiest to get onto IMO as the access is right at the ends of the bridge
Going southbound on Cambie is super weird to get to unless you're already on Nelson St
Lion's Gate
North Bound:
South Bound:
Second Narrows/IronworkersThis is one of the weirdest/awkwardest, particularly at the north end
North Bound:
South Bound
Access is here basically across from Phibbs. Many ways to get to it, but you've gotta get to that spot to go south.
Exiting: takes you down through the trees, watch for the pair of switchbacks. You'll end up at the bottom of Skeena St.
Arthur Laing
I regard this as an "experts only" type bridge that I wouldn't recommend to anyone not comfortable with riding in fairly close proximity to cars. There's no separated lane and just a narrow shoulder. That said, I don't feel unsafe on this bridge for some reason, but that might just be from riding it a bunch and being used to riding next to cars. Anyways, onto how to get on/off:
Southbound: access is via the car ramp at where Marine & Granville all come together in a 6 lane clusterfuck that was meant to be the highway through Vancouver. Normally I access coming off NW Marine, onto the clusterfuck, pick up speed down the hill and (with a lot of shoulder checking) get across the right most lane onto the ramp. Go up the ramp and stick to the right.
Exiting: things get dicey/exciting. You'll be crossing roads at speed so be shoulder checking.
North Bound: you can either access off the paths off Airport Rd here or by riding north along Russ Baker Way and basically sticking right and following the signs to Vancouver.
Exiting: again a bit dicey with some potential lane crossing
Pitt River
This is one of the nicest crossings. All the recently built (or updated) bridges are really, really nice once you're on the deck (Pitt River, Port Mann, Golden Ears + Ironworkers post update).
The cycle/pedestrian lane is on the north side of the span and is nice and wide. Access on the west end requires crossing Belfast Ave/Fremont Connector that loops under the bridge. Since access is all for the one side crossing my instructions are written for West->East travel but basically just do them in reverse for East->West.
Coming from NW (Trabouley Poco Trail/Deboville Slough), you do a couple zigzags and hairpins and crossing Belfast St but you can see your target the whole time so this bridge is honestly one of the easiest to get onto.
Coming from the SW, you go under the bridge parallel to the Fremont Connector then see the access to your left. If you were to keep going on the path instead you'd eventually end up at Deboville Slough.
East end of the bridge drops you in Pitt Meadows. As you exit (eastbound) you can immediately do 180deg turn left to get onto the trails. Another left at the river to go south, north and you can make your way out to Pitt Lake on the trails. To access the trail parallel to, and on the south side of, Lougheed Highway take the left at the river then left again at Ferryslip Rd.
If you go straight Old Dewdney Trunk Rd is a pretty nice ride towards Maple Ridge.
Golden Ears
Alright, this one is possibly the most difficult unless you know exactly where to go, partly because they're a long way along the bridge from where cars access. The Southbound Access is at 113B & Airport Way (Maple Ridge/Pitt Meadows). The northbound access is at 100A Ave & 201St (Langley)
Access is at 100A Ave & 201St. You go up the multilevel round ramp. Your exit will basically be the aforementioned 113B roundabout, you can go straight through it to get onto Maple Meadows Way towards the mall, right will change into 203St as it turns north or go left and west towards the airport.
Canada Line Bridge
This one is on the side of the Canada Line bridge section between Marine & Cambie Station & Bridgeport Station.
North connection is on Kent Ave S @ Cambie. However you have to go east from Kent Ave N & Cambie to turn south to get onto Kent Ave S and access the ramp. If you're coming down Cambie, hang a right on Kent Ave N.
South Connection is at River Road and Van Horne Way.
If you're going North then east, my recommendation is take Cambie north, then cut east at 59th. Kent Ave N between Cambie and Ontario sucks butt and cars are frequently impatient assholes on that section (it's also rough, needs a repave and has a lot of rail tracks).
If you're going north then west you can go west on Kent Ave N and then right on Heather before climbing a bit and taking the westbound route of your choice.
If you're just going north then Cambie, Ontario & Heather are all pretty good choices with Ontario & Heather being quieter. I can't remember how all of Heather's crossings are since I haven't ridden it past 59th in years.
If you're going South, you can go:
Formatting is becoming a pain because this is getting long. Sorry!
Port Mann
This one is like the Pitt River Bridge in that the pedestrian/bike path is only on the north/east side of the bridge deck.
West access is where the Port Mann passes over United Boulevard and where Unite intersects the Mary Hill Bypass offramps. If you're coming off the bridge you can go south/west on United and eventually work your way over towards Braid Station. If you go east on the Mary Hill Bypass you can connect to the Traboulay PoCo trail, Argue St and work your way up to the Pitt River bridge. There's also a mess of trails in and around Colony Farm but you're on your own for that :)
East access is a ways up a pretty decent hill at 152st/112Ave by Dogwood Campgrounds. If you're going north/west, the signage is good. Just don't take the overpass over the highway. How you get to 152/112...up to you. It's a big grid!
Alex Fraser
Ok, this one is another bit of a mess in terms of access. I don't think this one is technically unidirectional like the others, but I recommend riding the same way as cars are travelling and this guide will be based on that. Careful on the deck, there's a bunch of spots where you have to dodge the bases of signs and other spots where the path just shifts left/right.
You've made it over the Queensborough or come in from Richmond. You've made it onto the Annacis Channel bridge and are approaching Annacis island. You'll see a bus-stop on an island, you want to get there (if not busy, drop the curb & cut across, otherwise there's a crosswalk to use), take the crosswalk that goes parallel to the bus-only section of intersection, onto the sidewalk on the far-far side and then left and you'll see the path onto the bridge. You'll get dropped off with the choice of left or right. Left takes you towards HWY17, River Rd which are the two options for getting to the ferry (take River, it's quieter and only marginally slower). Right will take you under the bridge, and after you go past Planet Ice you can go left towards River Rd east, right-then-right to get onto Nordel north/east or just right for the Delta-South Surrey Greenway.
If you're trying to get to South Surrey, go as if you're going up Nordel, get over the overpass, then take the trail that cuts back to the right. This is the North Delta Greenway and is superior to the DSS Greenway in basically every way including being WAY smoother (I ride it on my carbon road bike on 25mm tires).
North Bound:
Starting from Planet Ice, take the path up onto the bridge, ride across, question why you're out here and didn't just take the Massey Shuttle to get home faster...
At the north end of the bridge, you'll end up next to the Annacis exit ramp. At the end of it, you want to take the small crosswalk onto the island with the bus stop, across Cliveden ave onto the island on the far side, then across another little crosswalk onto the path and hang a left. Stick to this path, you'll go back over the Annacis Channel and find yourself at a zig-zagging ramp. At the bottom of that you have the options of:hard right: path through to Hamilton Highway Park where you can take an overpass towards River Rd
left then right: onto Boundary Rd then Dyke rd, you can use this to get over towards Westminster Highway via Fraserwood Way.
left then left (generally recommended): take Boundary Rd north. At Boundary & Boyd you can go right to the Queensborough or left onto Westminster Hwy which you can use to get all the way to Richmond or to connect to River Rd
because New West is at a 45deg angle I'll be using "up/down and top/bottom" for this bridge because it's effectively a hill. Top is 22nd St station end, bottom is Queensborough Landing.
The top connection is just below 22nd St Station. If you're coming from 22nd St station just take the bridge down, it'll drop you on Boyd St. Left takes you to QB Landing. Right takes you to...not a lot. It's narrow, you'll probably have to slow down a bunch as you pass people.
If you're coming from Market Crossing area or New West (both via Marine Dr) I recommend taking the "up" side of the bridge down because it has about 1% of the traffic the "down" side does.
To get to it, the access is the ramp on the "cars up" side of the bridge. Otherwise, you can use the ramp on the "cars down" side to connect to the "down" side.
Either way as you're going down, watch for the hairpins at the bottom!
If you're going up and heading to downtown New West take the "up" side. Head east along Marine/Stewardson. You can eventually head right down a side street to get to S&O because that's why you're in New West right? If not, you're at S&O now. Best way to get through to the rest of downtown is via the Quay.
If you're going up and heading to anywhere else take the "down" side and go all the way to 22nd St Station. Right and past the station connects to 7th Ave across New West. Left you can use to get onto both Marine Dr or Marine Way to go west to Market Crossing, Big Bend, Glenlyon, River District. Straight turns into the BC Parkway and travels under the skytrain past Edmonds, Royal Oak, Metrotown stations.
Knight St
Recommendation: if you can, keep going west and take the Canada Line Bridge. This bridge was NOT intended for cyclists at all as you're about to learn and this section may get a little rant-y.
Southbound (I haven't gone SB on this bridge in a long time)
Access is via the onramp at Inverness & Marine. If crossing SB on Inverness watch for cars not understanding how stoplights work and driving into the intersection.
Take the on-ramp, hop onto the sidewalk.
First exit is Mitchell Island, get across the island. Get back onto the sidewalk.
Second exit is Bridgeport and provided you take that off-ramp you'll end on a sidewalk on Bridgeport pointed west. First intersection will be Sweden Way, turn left for IKEA, right takes you up to Vulcan Way which can be used to connect to River, No5 & No6 Rds.
Opinion: the KSB needs a cycling infrastructure update more than the GSB. The GSB is bad, but at least Cambie and Burrard are basically adjacent.
Oak St Bridge
Disclaimer: I have ridden across this bridge exactly once, only north bound on the southbound side. I will provide links to where I think the access to the NB path is, but I can't guarantee it.
This accesses I used for this bridge are near enough to the Canada Line Bridge so I would recommend just using that. Also the access Oak St Bridge are all off bigger roads so just awkward to get to.
The north end of the SB path is a crosswalk between 71st Ave & 72nd Ave on Oak St. ('22.1%22N+123%C2%B007'49.4%22W/@49.2061485,-123.1325803,765m/data=!3m2!1e3!4b1!4m6!3m5!1s0x0:0x0!7e2!8m2!3d49.2061446!4d-123.1303973 )
The south end of the SB path is at the southeast end of the Shanghai Wonderful restaurant parking lot.'30.5%22N+123%C2%B007'10.7%22W/@49.1918179,-123.1201938,191m/data=!3m2!1e3!4b1!4m6!3m5!1s0x0:0x0!7e2!8m2!3d49.1918174!4d-123.1196477
I *think* the south end of the NB path is here:'25.0%22N+123%C2%B006'55.9%22W/@49.1902744,-123.1163805,382m/data=!3m2!1e3!4b1!4m6!3m5!1s0x0:0x0!7e2!8m2!3d49.1902728!4d-123.1155145
I don't know how to get there.
I think the north end of the NB path is effectively the intersection of SW Marine @ Shaughnessy St.'17.7%22N+123%C2%B007'45.5%22W/@49.2047843,-123.1293076,104m/data=!3m1!1e3!4m6!3m5!1s0x0:0x0!7e2!8m2!3d49.2049204!4d-123.1293171
Once you're on the bridge it's just ride along until you're at the other end. The surface is weird concrete sections that have all gone a bit convex so it's a weird kinda bumpy ride.
rest to be continued later including: Pitt River, Golden Ears, Port Mann, Alex Fraser, Queensborough, Knight St, Canada Line, Oak St and Arthur Laing. If you need to go between New West and Surrey I recommend just taking the Skytrain.
submitted by unclebumblebutt to vancouvercycling [link] [comments]

New Casino Coming?

I heard that the new casino at 200 & 80th is happening. Anyone know if this is true? Clearly there is some development happening adjacent to the LEC land right now but I thought it was going to be more townhouses.
Here’s an old article from 7 years ago about it:
Disappointing if true. Cascades never feels too full as it is.
submitted by uberfunk1 to Langley [link] [comments]

[BCLC] $30 of free promotional play at Vancouver area Casinos

Expiry: April 30, 2020
Retailer: BCLC
$30 of promotional play credit at Vancouver area Casinos
I have found 3 different coupons from facebook ads, each is good for $10 in free play at the following casinos in the Vancouver, BC area:
Cascades Casino Langley
Elements Casino Surrey (Cloverdale)
Grand Villa Casino (Burnaby)
Hard Rock Casino Vancouver (Coquitlam)
Hastings Racecourse & Casino (where the PNE is)
Parq Vancouver (Downtown near BC place)
River Rock Casino Resort (Richmond)
Starlight Casino (Queensborough, New Westminster)
I asked and no you can not use the same code at more than one casino.
But each person can easily get up to $30 in free play
To maximize your guaranteed payout you just watch how much you are winning and then cash out when your total equals that amount
example: get 10 of promotional credit when you put in your player card. add up all the amounts you win...say 1.00, 2.00, 0.50, 0.50 then cash out and you will get 4.00 in real money.
or add up all your bets and quit when you have bet 10, ignoring the total on the machine.
If you cash out before you have spent the promotional amount then the amount it gives you will be less than you have on the machine. you may be able to continue playing the promotional amount but you can not get it out of the machine or use it in another machine.
I think you can redeem your 10 in two parts, 5 + 5
Expires April 30, 2020
If anyone finds other codes than these 3, let me know
Here are PDFs of the coupons on a hosting site:
If this is not a good way to share them maybe someone can show me how to put PDFs in my post or convert them to something that will show.
Good Luck
submitted by DealsCanada to ShopCanada [link] [comments]

The Quickstart Guide to Spectator Sports in Metro Vancouver

Ice Hockey


The NHL is the highest level of professional ice hockey in North America, and the most prestigious pro league in the world. Its championship trophy is the Stanley Cup.


The WHL is a Major Junior hockey league. Along with the OHL and QMJHL, it composes part of the CHL. The CHL, in turn, governs the highest tier of junior hockey. Many WHL players eventually become stars in the NHL. The championship trophy for the WHL is the Ed Chynoweth Cup, and the championship trophy for the CHL is the Memorial Cup.


The BCHL is a Junior A hockey league. Although Junior A is one tier below Major Junior, the BCHL is still considered by many to be amongst the best development leagues in the world. Numerous BCHL players have gone on to become NHL stars including Brett Hull, Stan Smyl, Paul Kariya, Brendan Morrison, and Scott Gomez. The championship trophy for the BCHL is the Fred Page Cup, and the championship trophy for Junior A is the Royal Bank Cup.


The PJHL is a Junior B hockey league with most teams located in the lower mainland. Though the level of play is not as high as the WHL or BCHL, it is still highly competitive. A few PJHL alumni later joined the NHL, including Link Gaetz, Jeff Tambellini, and Brent Seabrook. The PJHL champion competes for the Cyclone Taylor Cup (BC championship) and the Keystone Cup (national Junior B championship).

Canadian Football


The CFL is the highest level of professional Canadian football in North America. While Canadian football is similar to American football, it is different in fundamental ways. Most notably, Canadian football has a longer and narrower field, goal posts are located at the front of the endzone, and there are only 3 downs to gain 10 yards. The CFL is the second most popular sports league in Canada. Its championship trophy is the Grey Cup.


A national amateur Canadian football league consisting of 19 teams in 6 provinces. Along with Canadian Interuniversity Sport, the CJFL represents the highest level of play for Canadian football. Many CJFL players are eventually signed to the CFL.



MLS is the highest level of professional soccer in the USA and Canada, and participates in the CONCACEF Champions League. While the MLS may not have the same level of talent as the Premier League or Bundesliga, the quality of talent has been gradually increasing for the past 15 years.
  • Vancouver Whitecaps FC Not to be confused with the franchises of the same name that played in the NASL, the CSL, the USSF, USL Premier Development League, or the W-League. Though the Whitecaps are a new MLS expansion team, they've become immediately popular. This is in part due to international on-field talents such as Young-Pyo Lee, Camilo Sanvezzo, and Pedro Morales. Official ticket prices: $25-150

USL Premier Development League

This is the development league for United Soccer Leagues, and makes up part of the American Soccer Pyramid. While all players are amateur, they are groomed for potential success in MSL. It is the top-level amateur league for soccer in the US, Canada, and Bermuda.
  • Vancouver Whitecaps FC U-23 Affiliated with the Vancouver Whitecaps. Official ticket prices: free

Box Lacrosse


The NLL is the highest level of pro box lacrosse in North America. Box Lacrosse, which is played in a rink, should not be confused with field lacross, which is (obviously) played on a field. The NLL had a previous franchise called the Ravens which eventually folded. This year, Metro Vancouver has an NLL team again. The NLL's championship trophy is known as the Champion's Cup.
  • Vancouver Stealth Formerly known as the Albany Attack, San Jose Stealth, and the Washington Stealth, the franchise has newly relocated to Metro Vancouver. However, the Stealth do not play in the City of Vancouver—but play in the Langley Events Center located in the Township of Langley. In 2010, the Stealth were NLL champions. Official ticket prices: $27-55


While the WLA is officially "amateur", the truth is that the quality of play is near-professional. In fact, the majority of WLA players also play in the NLL. The WLA consists of 7 teams located throughout BC, 5 of which are located in Metro Vancouver. The eventual WLA champion competes against the MSL champion for the Mann Cup.
  • Burnaby Lakers Formerly known as the Richmond Outlaws. Official ticket prices: $10
  • Coquitlam Adanacs 2001 Mann Cup champions. Official ticket prices: unknown
  • Langley Thunder Not to be confused with the BCHL team of the same name. This team competes in the same venue as the Vancouver Stealth. Official ticket prices: unknown
  • Maple Ridge Burrards Formerly located in Vancouver and Surrey. 1945, 1961, 1963, 1964, 1967, 1975, 1977 Mann Cup champions. Official ticket prices: $10
  • New Westminster Salmonbellies 1915, 1920-25, 1927, 1937, 1958, 1959, 1962, 1965, 1970, 1972, 1976, 1981, 1986, and 1989 Mann Cup champions. Official ticket prices: $10


Northwest League

NWL is a Short-Season A baseball league, and is the lowest level of minor league baseball.
  • Vancouver Canadians Previously affiliated with the Oakland Athletics, since 2011 the Canadians are now affiliated with the Toronto Blue Jays. The Canadians have won minor league titles for three straight years between 2011-13. Official ticket prices: unknown



Also known as the British Columbia Combative Sports Association. It is the umbrella association for numerous BC boxing clubs including North Burnaby, Contenders, City Boxing, and Sugarrays (amongst others). A few notable professional boxers started from Combsport-affilliated boxing clubs including former IBO world champion Manny Sobral. Combsport is also affiliated with the WBC's amateur program.
Combsport organizes a monthly Clash @ The Cascades event in Langley. It also includes numerous amateurs on the Rumble At The Rock pro event that happens annually at the River Rock Casino.


Battlefield Fight League

BFL is a local MMA promotion that holds events in the Metro Vancouver area. The next event, BFL 29, will be held at the Hard Rock Casino in Coquitlam on March 29. Official ticket prices: $50.75-121.75

University Sports


Canadian Interuniversity Sport is the governing body for the majority of degree-granting universities in Canada. It collectively governs ice hockey, Canadian football, soccer, and other sports run by Canadian university programs. The following universities are affiliates with the CIS:
  • UBC Official ticket prices: $10
  • TWU Official ticket prices: $8-15

NCAA Division 2

An intermediate-level division of competition within the NCAA. Similar to CIS, the NCAA has a greater breadth of universities affiliated with it. The following university is affiliated with NCAA Division 2:
  • SFU Official ticket prices: $10
submitted by tiggerclaw to vancouver [link] [comments]

S02E01: Je mehr Dinge , die mehr ändern bleiben sie gleich

Open on a news segment with an attractive news anchor on a monitor in a government facility. No one seems to be paying attention, but our attention is on the screen. "Obama to unfreeze Hans, Ernst, and Al; the Nazis whose lives were filmed by the U.S. government in the 1980s. (Cut to flashbacks of first season at this point) This footage would leak to the public thanks to Wikileaks and shortly after, the guys would become a cultural phenomenon because someone on the Internet took the time to edit together the footage into an archetypal '80's sitcom complete with a laugh track. Bob Saget, Ted Danson, & Scott Baio would find a reurgence in fame after playing the main characters in the short web series. For 20 years, the men have remained frozen, with Eva Kirsch thawing in 2010 to begin assimilating to the new American culture, as per part of the operation orders. Crowds have gathered outside the town hall of Langley, Virginia to protest the President's decision." Thanks Susan. Is your child at risk of contracting rickets? More on that at 11."
Cut to the surrounding facility. It is revealed that Eva is looking at the screen. We pan out to see what she now looks like. She is wearing a white lab coat, with her hair up in a bun, her arms crossed, and an agitated look on her face. She has aged, but there is a fire in her that seems to will her into remaining young looking. Suddenly, the doors burst open and a group of Secret Service members enters. Everyone stops what they are doing for a brief moment and pays them attention. One of the men approaches a timid young male assistant and whispers something to him. Eva scowls in their general direction. The assistant approaches Eva.
(Assistant): "Um, Miss Kirsch? The chief of Secret Service wanted to inform you that the President will be arriving soon, and advises you to begin the defrosting process now."
(Eva) (loudly) "Kevin, if those glorified bodyguards have anything to say to me, they can say it to my face." Kevin begins to walk to Secret Service, when Eva grabs him.
(Eva) "I thought they stopped hiring retards for government work after the last President?" Before Kevin can respond, a large stern-looking man in aviators approaches.
(SS) "Shall I repeat what I said to t his imbecile or are you competent enough to remember what he told you?"
(Eva) "I heard what you asked. However, my orders state that I am not to let anyone but the President give the order to prematurely thaw these men. The doors burst open and in comes President Obama. Think Don Lemon, but more stern. In no way does he express the carefree attitude of the Obama from the past.
(PO) "So, what's the hold up here Mrs. Kirsch?"
(Eva) "Well, Mr. Obama, I needed your verbal confirmation to continue with the defrosting process before I can proceed."
(PO) "You have my verbal confirmation. Let's start this process so these men can begin serving the rest of their lives in prison."
(Eva) (resigned) "Ok. I'm ready. Now where are the Presidential Key?"
(PO) "Key? What on Earth do you mean, Presidential Key?"
(Eva) "Well there's actually two keys that you need. There is a physical key to gain access to the keypad that will allow us to reverse the cryogenic process, because this device was designed by a hack from the '80's who thought that having a physical key would somehow slow down potential threats. There's also the string of numbers that form a numeric key, which is what we need to thaw them."
(PO) "How was I never de-briefed on such a thing?"
(UnknownVoice) "I'll tell you how! It was a conspiracy!" (coughs) Dank smoke floods the room, and with it, Joe Biden with a Rasta cap and a suit on.
(PO) "Jesus Christ Joe, isn't it a bit early to be high?"
(JB) "I'm barely even high! Besides, it's decriminalized...remember? And they say weed messes with your memory...dude, look at you! This presidency has really done a number on you. You look like a Tuesday afternoon stripper when she takes her wig off."
Kevin snickers, and Eva has a smile on her face. (PO) "ENOUGH! Joe, why wasn't I debriefed on these keys?"
(JB) "Well, GW didnt't want you to know it because he always thought it was funny watching you struggle. As for the actual key, for a while I was using it to clean my bong (PO sighs), but actually the other day I saw Bill take it after he came over to get drunk."
(PO) "Bill who? Surely not..."
(JB)"Bill Clinton!"
(PO)"Oh god damn it. Well then Eva I need you to come with me, while we get these keys.
(Eva) "Why do I need to do that? Shouldn't I stay here and monitor them?"
(PO)"Oh no. I'm fully aware of your relationship with these men. (Motions to Secret Service) Come now."
(JB) "Alright! ROAD TRIP!" PO groans and they all leave.
Cut to JB being a jackass on the plane. No one is amused. Cut to Clinton's Brooklyn Office.
PO, JB, Eva, and Security walk into the building. They are greeted by an autistic man at the front desk.
(AM)"Hello. How can I help you?"
(PO)"Yes, hello. I am President Barack Hussein Obama here to see Mr. Clinton. (JB rolls his eyes)
(JB)"Why do you introduce yourself like that? That's so weird. How's it hanging Travis?"
(Travis)"Ahh you know Joe, slightly to the right."
(JB)"Can I bring this human Oreo with me to see Bill? I know he acts like Don Lemon but I promise he's not that much of a suspect."
(Travis)"A'ight Joe, but we better be hitting the titty bar again soon. There's this one at the Diamond Club who doesn't even charge me. And I get to drive her work everyday!"
(JB)"For sure." (motions for everyone to come into the office, and as he walks in bumps knuckles with Travis) As the door clicks closed, the tell-tale chickle of Bill is heard. He is sitting in his chair facing the other direction.
(BC)"Hey what's going on Joe? You tryna smoke a blunt?" JB looks nervous and gives the ix nay sign. PO clears his throat. Bill turns around. He is wearing a shirt that says "Limestone is the second hardest thing in Arkansas". Bill sees the president and suddenly we see the professional side of him come out again.
(PO)"Mr. Clinton." (shakes BC's hand)
(BC)"Uh...hello Mr. President. I was obviously joking earlier, "smoking a blunt" is um...
(JB)"Well that's just how the kids are saying "shoot the shit" nowadays."
(BC, nervously) "Exactly! So, to what do I owe the the honor sir?"
(PO)"I'm looking for the key to the cryogenic tanks, and Joe said you had it."
(BC) "You mean this ole thing?" (Produces the key from seemingly nowhere)
(Eva) "That's the key!"
(BC)"Well it's all yours." PO goes to reach for it, but BC holds onto it. (BC)"On one condition..."
(PO)"Which is?"
(BC)You need to take me with you to Texas, I can't take sitting here trying to discreetly masturbate with Travis sitting in the other room. It just feels wrong. Life's boring now that Hillary's on the road rather than here bitching at me."
(Eva)"Why do you have a retarded man as your assistant?"
(BC)"Well after the whole Fellate-Gate thing, Hill didn't want any incidents interfering with her presidential campaign. So she figured that if she found a guy assistant who sort of looked like me, I wouldn't act up."
(JB)"Besides, Travis is a chill guy. Honestly, he seems like way more fun than Monica ever was." PO is losing his patience as this conversation takes place.
(PO)"ENOUGH! Mr. Clinton, if you are coming, we need to leave now."
(BC)"Do I have enought time for a dab?"
(PO)"No, I refuse to wait any further just so you can dance." JB and BC exchange sly looks.
Everyone except Travis leaves.
Cut to JB & BC hitting what appears to be a vape and blowing smoke rings on the plane, then laughing hysterically. At one point we see Eva hit it. She coughs but looks like she enjoys it. PO has arms folded and sits in silence. Cut to Prairie Chapel Ranch. It's a sunny day, and the limo driving them waits at the front gate. PO still has frown on his face. There's snack wrappers all over the floor. The car pull s ahead into the driveway and everyone looks at PO as he clears his throat.
(PO)"Alright. Let's be in and out. Try to be as civil as possible. You know how Texans are with their guns." They get out of the car and head towards the front door. As they do, the doors are flung open. A hyper George W Bush appears with a baseball hat on backwards and a sweater with his DKE letters.
(PO)"What's the matter?"
(GW)"Well, I was saying your name, but now that you mention it, you are here! (laughs) So what brings you to my neck of the woods Mr. President? Need help with the economy? Cause I can't ask daddy to write you a check anymore."
(PO) "Well actually, I've come for the key to the cryogenic tanks."
(GW) "You mean that thing that Joe uses to clean his bong?" (JB sheepishly grins, PO is pissed)
(PO) "Now according to Eva here, you have a string of number that can be used to begin the defrosting process so I can finally imprison those men."
(GW) "Ohhhh that key! Well yeah ya big dum-dum. Of course I have that key. But I'm not gonna just give it up for free. If you want it you're gonna have to beat me in a game of flip cup."
(PO) "Really George? So it's going to be a repeat of when I asked for the nuke codes?"
(GW) "Yeah, except this time I'm gonna win."
(JB) "Oh yeah, this what I'm talking about. This is why I knew I had to come." They walk through the yard, following GW to a wooden table. On the table there is a family lifting up a really dapper and excessively obese man who appears to be sweating oil. It is captioned "Supporting the Working Class". Servants appear with a cooler filled to the brim with Natty, Keystone, and Rolling Rock. The servants fill two solo cups to the brim, and a referee appears brandishing a starter pistol.
(Ref) "I want a good clean match. No cheating or else GW wins. (PO raises his eyebrows) On your mark, get set, go! (shoots pistol) The two begin chugging but PO finishes in less than five seconds, flipping his cup on the first try. JB and BC cheer. GW finishes chugging seconds later and breaks his cup in anger.
(GW) "God dang it! Well you won fair & square. The code is inside in the cookie jar."
(PO) "I'm not even going to ask. Agent Simmons, go get it. (Simmons heads inside) The rest of you, let's get going. I'll have Simmons stay here in case George tries the Ole Texas Switcheroo again." (explosion from inside the house)
(GW) "Aw shucks. Well Simmons is dead."
(PO) "What do you mean? What was that?"
(GW) "The cookie is booby trapped! If you want that code you're gonna have to bring me! I'm the only one with it! And I've always wanted to unfreeze Natzees, so you gotta bring me!"
(PO) "You have got to be kidding me. Ugh. Fine. Let's go."
(GW) "Yee-Haw! (to the general direction of the house) Bye Laura! I'll be back soon!!" The SS, the politicians, and Eva get into the limo and drive away.
Cut to GW, JB, and BC making faces and laughing on the plane. PO looks livid, while Eva sits in silence. Cut to the runway of undisclosed airport. They again all pile into a limo. They begin driving & as they drive there are signs on the road for Langely.
(Eva) "I need to use the restroom."
(PO) "Hold it. We're almost there."
(Eva) "I'm a woman & need to attend to feminine issues."
(BC, JB, GW, terrified) "STOP!!!" The car comes to an abrupt stop. PO hits his head hard.
(Eva) "Look up there. A rest station. I just need five minutes." The car pulls into the rest station. Eva scurries out and walks into the ladies room (there are two entrances/exits; she enters on the entrance visible by the car). BC, GW & JB continue goofing around. We see ten minutes go by on a clock in the car. PO looks livid.
(PO) "Agent Cooper, can you see what's holding her up?" (Cooper leaves) The driver lowers the partition.
(Driver) "Um, sir, you're gonna want to see this." He hands PO his phone. The headline reads: "Breaking News: The Nazis have been stolen from CIA HQ"
(PO) "HOW?!?!?"
Agent Cooper reappears dragging Eva by the arm.
(Cooper) "I caught her trying to get in a car with some man who I've seen at a GOP rally before." PO stares her straight in the eyes
(PO) "I don't care who is responsible, but they will not get away with this."
Eva raises her eyebrows in fear and gulps.
Cut to the cryogenic tanks. The camera zooms out, and we see the men floating in tanks in an empty room. As the camera zooms out, we see we are in a casino, and the last shot is the camera zooming out and we see the name of the casino is the Trump Casino, Las Vegas.
Cut to black
To be continued....
submitted by KiddiePoolTurd to EverythingsAllReich [link] [comments]

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My Guitar's My Only Friend - James 'Buddy' Rogers ...

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